I need to confess something.
I need to get something off my chest.
I need to tell you why I refused your friend requests over the past two years on social networking sites like Facebook and LinkedIn.
I want to say I am sorry for reading your messages and requests to be my friend, for me to join your networks and for you to join mine. You wanted me to share myself with you on a deeper level outside of this blog and you invited me into your inner sanctum — and I said no.
I tried to rationalize that unless you commented here, I didn’t know you. If I didn’t know you, I reasoned, I couldn’t trust or respect you. So, I said no.
For the longest time, I refused to connect with you because I was too obsessed with my own rules of how social networking sites should be used. I didn’t think that you wouldn’t understand my rules and I hadn’t considered that social karma of my decisions would haunt me.
I abused our relationship for selfish reasons.
And, I’m sorry.
Two years later… to today
David Armano introduced influence ripples in August 2006. While he focused on the interconnectedness of links between blogs, his description goes to the heart of what social media means.
There are multiple ripples overlapping, happening in a three dimensional space—in real time. If this were animated, the ripples would not disappear, but radiate. However more recent ripples would come into focus as new thoughts, conversations, and interactions happen over time.
I recently started throwing out my social media rules and embracing the ripples that were always there but I chose not to see.
I started with Facebook and began accepting friend requests from people who weren’t family members, former coworkers and classmates, or close friends. I routinely peruse through friends of friends whose names look familiar, and send them requests of my own. Implemented privacy settings now restrict certain photo albums and other items from being seen by anyone who’s not in specific lists.
Twitter was next where I began indiscriminately following and connecting with pretty much everyone. Using tools like Twiangulate and Tweepml, I’m identifying and reaching out to people who are involved in the PR, communications, media, and government sectors. I poke my eyes in my Twitter stream a few times a day to retweet and reply to someone here, interject into a new conversation there.
LinkedIn is the third networking site I’m tackling, where I’ve decided to transform my connection mantra from people I explicitly trust and respect (and can therefore refer and recommend without blinking) into sending connection requests to people around the country who meet objective criteria. In recent days, I’ve traded messages with people I’ve never met and never heard of — and who I not only share mutual friends with, but also mutual insights on subjects we both believe.
Social media is about being social. Duh, you might say. But how many of you are growing your networks with people you don’t know at all — and would never know if they didn’t send you a message to connect?
I used to be very strategic in my networking — and to an extent, I still am — but I’m also opening myself up and embracing global netizenship. I’m creating new networks.
Closing thoughts
I will openly accept any friend requests on Facebook or on LinkedIn. You can also interact with me on Twitter. I think three is a good number for now. There are other online communities where I’m active, but not to the extent of these.
It’s important to add that I don’t share the same information everywhere, taking a cue from Penelope Trunk about how to portray yourself across the web.
Mashing all social media together to create one image of ourselves doesn’t make sense because we are all already accustomed to showing certain parts of ourselves only in certain parts of our lives. We all know, for instance, that women don’t talk about blow jobs at work, even though they give plenty of them. And men don’t talk about the details of project management on a date, because they’d never get another blow job. It’s acceptable to have different places in your life for different aspects of your personality. So don’t flatten yourself by presenting only perfect consistency across Twitter and LinkedIn and blogs and Facebook.
My Facebook updates are a mix of social media insights and Newburyport politics, my LinkedIn updates are more accomplishment-centric, and my Twitter updates run the gamut of everything.
Here’s to connecting.
How do you connect with people? Are you also opening the walls, or do you keep your networks more closed?
About Ari Herzog
I will admit I have been very closed to requests on facebook, that is my personal facebook page as I have always preferred to be friends with people I have actually met. Perhaps I am limiting myself and losing the opportunity to meet new people, however as you said we are different people depending on the social situation we are in, the core personality will always be the same but there will be things we talk about with some friends and family and not others. I think what you say there is very true and now I am starting facebook pages and blogs for my businesses and interests I will be adopting a slightly different persona for each one depending on the focus, discussing climate change and my personal thoughts on human use of resources on a LOTR blog might be offkey, however Tolkien was an enviornmentalist in his own way and who knows I may write a post that pulls it off.
Like everything in life, the best advice to do anything is 1) in moderation and 2) that makes you comfortable. I don’t wish you to emulate anyone or their actions except if the above two points are met.
Hi Ari,
Thanks for the reply, I will admit I am getting more comfortable with the likes of FB, I do keep my personal facebook separate from my business FB (once I get it running again lol) and I am aware from guiding clients on tours that I have slightly different styles of delivery depending on the tour type and also on the people on the tour itself as their interests influence the tour – fun when you have more than one travel group with different needs and and knowledge to get a balance that gives more indepth information to people who need it without excluding the others on the tour. I feel this may be the same in my blogs and that my practical experience will be useful in getting the balance right ( I hope!)
Ari –
Hey, no apology needed in my mind. It seemed to me you were just doing what made sense for you to do in order to manage the huge number of followers/friends/etc. that you have.
(I still find this an enviable problem.)
– Daniel
Thanks. To a degree, I was; but then I realized the act of management takes time, so let’s do away with that act and let things be.
Ari,
Thanks for sharing your inner demons with social media, which I think many of us also experience. I’ve learned that I like to keep my FB account more personal so I can say “crap” without people de-friending me. (Well, I think I won’t lose any connections for that). Plus, this is where I connect with family. Twitter for me is connecting with professional people to make connections and share news and a few laughs. LinkedIn I’m still taking slowly, as I’m job hunting, but I’m also connected to former bosses there. I have learned that I don’t like it when people use their LI status like it’s FB or Twitter. I like to be able to read who has changed jobs or careers, who has connected to who, who has published something, what groups people have joined, etc. I post an article to LI every 1-3 days. Something that pertains to the real estate industry which is what my last position was in. Penelope Trunk sure knows how to get an idea across.
Great posting!
When you keep Facebook personal, is it limited to those family members and 10-year friends? Or do you mean content?
On FB, I limit it to people who really want to connect with me, or me with them. I don’t connect with people I don’t know (whether it’s in person or through social media) who usually are hunting for numbers. Most people I’m connected with on FB are family, different groups of friends (many whom I have met on FB with similar interests) and a few career experts. If I want to connect with someone purely for professional or informational purposes on FB, I look for fan pages.
Well, that explains much. I wondered why all of a sudden you showed up in my periphery. We’ve many mutual acquaintances & even live close to each other. I’ve set a rule to not follow people (after initially doing so) because people don’t “get” my account. My network is word of mouth or open minded people who like whimsy.
I can’t stand Facebook because of their rules, the lack of control and the indifference to personal privacy. I’m on there only because I have to have a presence but there is no info on me and I have only about a dozen “friends.” My LinkedIn is similarly small. My network is either people I’ve worked with or people I know VERY well through social media (read: people I’ve no fear will embarrass me to a business associate).
My Twitter account is fair game. Anyone who wants to, can figure out who I am but most of the people I worry about, aren’t that savvy. That is a sad commentary about my particular industry. I hope by the time they are up to speed, my irreverence will be nothing compared to everything else they’ve seen on the ‘net. In the interim, I’ve met people I would NEVER have been exposed to in my field. There is a lot of noise out there but social media should not be dismissed, out of hand, because their is too much risk in exposure to the wrong people. If we thought that way in real life, we’d never leave our homes.
It’s been great following your tweets.
Thanks for understanding… and observing correctly.
No apologies necessary from my POV.
These things come and go in waves for me, some months I’m more sociable than other months, some years more than other years.
The really, *really* cool thing about all this internet-enabled social media is that relationships can go fallow instead of outright dying. Everyone in my two closest circles knows I’m hunkered down (the closest knows why), it’s not a big deal. Most of them will be around when I’m back in the flow.
And I believe you will find the same: when you’re back in the flow, your people magically appear!
Going off a tangent, you wrote about all this internet-enabled social media. Is there a non-internet enabled kind?
Everyone has to do what’s right for them. There are days I question accepting most friend requests on Facebook because I get weird messages sent to my inbox, posted on my wall, photos, etc. I think that everyone has the right to keep their profile limited to just people they know in real life or open to everyone, whichever suits them best. And I think that you also have the right to try something and change your mind. I never took it personally when we weren’t connected on Facebook. No apologies needed, but still appreciated.
The neat thing with Facebook is you can include people on lists if you want to limit elements to those lists, or not to people not on those lists. The FB photo album of my sister’s wedding, for instance, is not open to the world.
Honestly, this is how I’ve been doing things for years, and it’s been great for me — both personally, and in terms of my career. I’ve made work connections and met journalists who’ve proven to be valuable assets to my work. I’ve gotten to know people with similar interests to mine or who are interested in the same political or social causes. I’ve even befriended a few celebrities (well, to be fair, I don’t mean Britney Spears; but there are some heavy hitting journalist celebs I’ve met in person because of Twitter).
Being global simply makes sense. Of course, that doesn’t mean one has to do anything they’re uncomfortable with. Friending tons of new people on Twitter is easy and low-risk; doing the same on Facebook may not be.
Thanks for exploring it in this post – I think I may have to write my own soon.
If you don’t put anything on your Facebook (or any other) profile that your mother wouldn’t want to know; and if you’re cognizant you don’t own the data but the dot-com sites own it and further that the world can search for it if they really want to — why not do it?
Thanks for sharing.
To each their own, right? No apology needed, though I’m glad to see you opening your doors and being more accessible. Cheers!
Thanks, Dave.
I don’t do Facebook any more, but am active on Twitter. Just followed you.
You closed your FB account?
Not yet, but I plan to.
Care to share why?
Ari you don’t need to apology every person has the own-idea about social media and I’ve similar problem in other networks like Stumbleupon. In my case in principle I accept persons with similar interests but the point is when I begin to receive lot of spammy messages or they are too noisy so unfollowing…as always a middle-moderation is key. Nice approach by email and the photo of Purim.
Cheers,
Gera
What sort of problem have you experienced with StumbleUpon?
Following stumblers that became spammy or began to share spam sites, so the result was to unfollow many of them.
Cheers,
Gera
Hello there Ari!
I’ve basically gone with the flow whenever you were testing the social media waters. Never took it personally if you un- followed/friended/linked, etc. me. The way I view it is I’ve watched you grow and naviagate your way through the social media waters (ew, does that sound corny?). We’ve met in person and probably will again. I could probably reach out and know that you would be there. That much you’ve shown me.
No need to apologize to me. I learn from you all the time.
Thanks, Anna. How’s your job search coming along?
Yikes, Ari! I must say this is very brave of you. Just like you were before, I compartmentalize my social connections and information I share via the different networks I joined, namely Twitter and Facebook. I would really like to embrace what you’ve just done, but I don’t think it will be easy, especially on Twitter, where everything is so so so interactive. Thanks for the post, this is very mind-opening, and I hope I will be ready to jump into something like this very soon.
I should add I didn’t jump into this, per se, but tried this and tried that and tried something else — and here we are.
I like the idea of not using social media… but then I notice all the traffic we get from it and think I better stick with it
So, you use the web because of website traffic.
I keep myself pretty closed off because I am starting to view social media sites as popularity contest rather than ways to network. With that said however, those rules on apply to my personal page; not my business pages. Of course the structure is different and people fan or “like” now rather than request friendship, but I like it this way. It allows me a way to interact with my business contact and fans, while keeping my personal life completely private. I open up personally though on my business pages in order to make that connection. I do see where you are coming from though with this post and it is something to consider.
It is natural to view social networking sites as popularity contests, given the mass media’s obsession about Twitter followers and number of people liking a Facebook page. If you mask those statistics, would you be less closed?
Thank you for your invitation, Ari. Your email is the first thing I attended to this morning. I understand the importance of networking via online social communities. Only, these platforms are easy to abuse and misuse. Maybe in a later post in my blog, I’ll have to discuss my views regarding social media and networking sites. And, don’t think too much about that runny nose! Cheers!
I’m sure there are numerous online communities devoted to runny nose symptoms and solutions. Thanks for piping in.
It sound like a fine plan, but when does one have time to be productive. That’s my struggle. How do we find time to do Facebook, Blog, Twitter, Real Life, and work?
Why do you think anything takes time? What are you doing that sucks time?
Just saying. I will do a better job of being more social and try to be more efficient.
Well, hey, I will send connection new requests! I love your blog, but I seldom comment, because I’m usually late to the conversation and others have already expressed what I was thinking.
I try to be open to most requests, but if I start getting spammed (the updates or tweets are only trying to sell me something) I will drop them.
I try to keep my updates varied: talking to others on a personal level (sending good wishes on birthdays and anniversaries), sharing bits of interesting news, and on rare occasions, mentioning my own products.
I am happy that you are opening yourself up more, and I hope you will find it enjoyable. All the best to you!
Comments don’t close on blog articles here (except 1% of the time) so never feel late. Besides, when people check the optional box to be notified of future comments, they will see your late ones. I routinely see people commenting on articles over a year later!
Good reminder, thanks! I’ve used both FB and LI for years but resistantly: only as online brochures for my business (or professional persona.) And I’m utterly “me” on Twitter but had to be so via nickname or I’d never get taken seriously in business again ~ ha!
But you’re making me think about it in a new way — thanks!
So what is your real name?
@Ari
Enjoyed your thoughts here and appreciated the email you sent out. Haven’t been back in a while and I’ve been perusing some of your great recent posts.
It takes initiatives and openness like this to build networks and first and foremost relationships.
It’s actually quite fun being in the pond with all the ripples going on.
Thanks for your thoughts, Jon. What’s been keeping you occupied?
I doesn’t hurt my feelings when people don’t accept my FB invites or follow me back on Twitter. Like you, I have my FB life divided — I have a group called ‘real peeps’ and those are the only people that can see most photos.
I know some people with 23 facebook friends, and others with 2000. How people use it is up to them, but it does change what they get out of it.
On Twitter, I only follow-back people who interact with @ replies. I figure, why bother following someone who isn’t even going to talk to me? And if they aren’t going to talk to me, why are they following me? I don’t need to have deep meaningful conversations with hundreds of people on a daily basis, but a ‘hi I’m here’ once and a while is nice.
My problem with blogs is really that the sheer numbers of people I want to read and follow are overwhelming. If I read every blog I wanted to every day, I’d spend 4 hours a day reading and commenting. Literally. I’ve tried!
Providing some guidance in your Twitter model, if you follow me and don’t write anything to me, I’ll never know you follow me. Just sayin’.
While I do not “throw the gates open wide” as I did when there were fewer people on these networks wanting to “connect.” But I am certainly far open than most.
It is a hard balance: not diluting the important connections & conversations by putting too much noise in them – and yet still being open to the possibility that what someone new has to say, your world may change.
I’m with you on this Ari. We’ve pretty much always connected on Twitter – and then here. I’m slower to pursue connections on FB simply because the level of interaction there is deeper than on Twitter. And LinkedIn? I’m still reworking my policies all the time. But then, I’m actually using it to try and get a job.
When people spend more time on Twitter than Facebook/LinkedIn, what does that say to their depth?
I find that you can keep Facebook for personal circles and online social circles with the Fan/Like page. Many bloggers utilize the Like page well. The key is replying to some comments on Facebook just like you would on your own blog.
Like I commented to Kim (pun intended), it became a time management suck for me.
Well, you may want to try Connectus.net / PRSafe.com (same company) if you’re interested in connecting with PR folks and the other “periphery.” You can reach me at my email address if you have questions. Cheers.
Cheers!
The use Social Media now a days is very demanding. It shows how it’s helping the business progress.
Thanks for chiming in, Lisa! Got some examples?
I’ve always been pretty open about how I follow and friend – I’ve received a lot of new clients and referrals through this. Lately, however, I’ve been thinking about scaling back a little. I follow too many people on twitter to interact with and need to use lists to manage it. And I’ve been thinking about asking FB friends that I don’t actually know to follow my fan page – I haven’t decided.
You don’t need to apologize – I’ve never been a fan of social media rules and believe that people should use it as they see fit – as long as they aren’t spamming.
I’ve created and maintained Facebook Pages, and asked people to “like” me there… but it became too much management when I had less and less time on my hands.
Amen. I use Social networks the same way you describe. I have a handful of sites so i treat different SN accounts differently depending on what is needed. Facebook so popular but the site itself is horrible to navigate. I wish they would overhaul the whole thing..
How would you redesign Facebook, given the choice?
Ari- mentioned on Twitter that I am moving the opposite direction.
Primarily on Facebook, mostly because I view it as a person thing via my profile (I’m just not important enough to view my interaction via my profile as important to too many people)
But I also think that most of the tools of the trade serve different goals and different consumers.
Facebook is obviously geared more towards who you know (except for pages which is another ball of wax).
Twitter is geared towards sending and receiving from different communities. The interesting thing as I get more involved- I see the need for different accounts in different areas.
Linkedin is another ball of wax but very similar to Twitter EXCEPT that it seems to have a focus is definitely more professional.
There are others and I think as you have isolated the big three down it is fair to say that ANY strategy you use for YOU is fair.
I have opened up more on Twitter because I find the value and the reality is, I can’t stop ANYONE from seeing my Twitter feed, whereas FB is control central (even if it is a pain to manage)
Something to think about: If you don’t view yourself as important, why would anyone else? Or, are you referring to modesty?
I think on the FB its one thing. It’s not modesty, its face, I see little interaction from friends on their let alone people I barely know.
You obviously are gearing more the blog which I think is where most people are heading. FB and Twitter are geared to be mechanisms to lead back to something in this case, blogs or for most companies websites.
Now I wonder how you do networking “strategically” without being too social. I did the same with Facebook before, I never accepted requests from those whom I didn’t really know personally, but I’m much open now to new social interactions, since I do believe that some great ideas do come handy when you least expect it, and that works with new relationships as well.
Regards,
Jason
A little late to this one, but thanks for sharing your earlier apprehensions and changes in thought about how a social media should work. The one network I’m the pickiest about when it comes to connecting is LinkedIn, but I’ve opened up a bit more on this as you have and have met some great PR pros lately.
Everyone’s comfort level and objectives are different, so people will use each social networks – and each network – differently. Fun to watch it all evolve and participate.
Care to share why you’re apprehensive about LinkedIn?
And, you’re never late, Jennifer!
Hi, Ari. These days I’m learning to appreciate the differences in people’s choices and views more than ever before. To borrow Penelope’s term, “flattening” yourself, whether in terms of publishing the same content through multiple platforms or in terms of associating strictly with those who believe and see only as you do–well, fuller is better. Flat lacks dimension and encourages myopic vision. Flat stunts growth.
Good for you for trying something new. I hope you’re finding it rewarding.
How do *you* know if something is rewarding, Heather?
Don’t worry, I used to think the same thing when I first started out too! Cheers to connecting!
I really think facebook has become so overly populated today with unhealthy competition that people don’t realize it is a social tool for connecting with friends, family, groups and business clients. There is so much competition and “pride” going on behind the scenes of fb users. It’s no longer about connecting, but showing off how many “likes” we have or the 4000 friends who think we are worth befriending. Which adds more to our ego and makes us forget where we came from.
Relationship is what social media should be all about. Yet there are people who abuse this.