It is a fallacy to suggest social media brings us closer.
Take Facebook. It is silly to think that just because 500 million people have Facebook accounts and you befriend everyone in your life that you’re any closer to them on Facebook than off. Unless you can stand in a room surrounded by your 100, 600, or 2000 friends and one by one tell everyone what everyone else is doing in their lives, you fail as their friend.
If you are my friend, you should know where I was born and where I now live and how many siblings I have and the color of my mother’s hair. Right? Friends know these traits about their friends. How many of your so-called Facebook friends can you compare on the scale of knowing the color of their mother’s hair?
Facebook doesn’t bring us closer.
Paul Adams understands this dichotomy between the people in our rolodexes who we call to meet for lunch and to hear the latest news about their families, versus the people we identify as online friends. Paul, a user experience researcher at Google, wrote an eyebrow-raising article last year on the importance of designing online interactivity.
[R]arely do we continue the conversation once we’ve connected, and over time we forget that the connections exist. In fact, Facebook users often have no interactions with up to 50% of their connections. When we study how people are interacting on social networks, we see that most interactions are with a very small subset of the people we’re connected to.
The average number of friends on Facebook is 130, and many users have many more. Yet despite having hundreds of friends, most people on Facebook only interact regularly with 4 to 7 people, and for 90% of Facebook users, 20% of their friends account for 70% of all interactions. We also see this with phone usage. We have hundreds of people in our phone contacts, yet 80% of phone calls are made to the same 4 people. We know dozens of people who use Skype, yet 80% of Skype calls are made to 2 people. Even when people play computer games online, they mostly play with people they know offline.
The takeaway is clear. We need to stop calling the people we know online as friends. We need to call them connections, the term LinkedIn uses for the people in our networks. We need to stop building fans and followers. We need to focus on building and enriching relationships with our connections in our networks.
We need to think of the network as a database.
“You live or die by your database,” Chris Brogan once said about the necessity to build relationships.
If you lose your job today, how many people can you reach, and who would be helpful? Think harder about the names of those people. Have you talked with them lately in ANY form?
Whether the person in the database is someone we’ve known for 20 years who we talk to once a year, or someone we see on a weekly basis, or someone who is a friend of a friend, or someone who reviewed the perfume we bought on Amazon.com, we need to stop using offline terms such as friends to describe the people we trust online.
Social media will not bring us closer. But we can reach out to each other and connect.
About Ari Herzog
You are right; social media does not bring us closer. However, I believe for most people, it makes them feel more “connected” than they ever have. For example, a shy kid in high school maybe had 4 or 5 people that he or she could call friends. That same person on Facebook now has 300 “friends”. No, they are not really friends per say, but I am sure that person feels as though they are connected in at least one form or another and that makes them feel included, which is something that is now hard to find offline.
In another aspect, for one of my businesses, offline interaction actually works better than any campaign I have ever tried to implement using Facebook. When people meet me and get a feel for who I am and what I am about, it makes them feel comfortable. Facebook cannot provide that same level of comfort or trust, which is why I believe we as humans will eventually realize that we are missing out on life by spending most of it on Facebook.
If you’re spending most of your life on Facebook or anywhere in front of your computer screen, you’re missing out.
Ari, I hear this a lot and I’m not sure what the motivation is. Is this a semantic argument? Are you disputing the definition of the word “friend”? Are you concerned about weakening the meaning of the word?
I’d be hard pressed to tell you the color of MY mother’s hair, much less that of my lifelong friends. Aren’t there degrees of friendship? Have you never met a “new friend,” or is everyone a “connection” until they ask you for your personal details?
Social media is a vehicle for discussions among people that was never available before (at least never this easy). Those conversations enable us to determine common interests or experiences to the degree necessary to create a simple bond. Call that person what you will: customer, prospect, connection, banana, or friend. Regardless the name you put on the relationship, there is a better chance you will remember them if they reconnect, think of them if you see something they might be interested in, or read and comment on their blog posts because of social media than if you didn’t use it. I call that being closer. You can call it anything that makes you comfortable.
Yes, there are degrees of friendship — but I’m arguing our social networking connections are connections first, second, and third. LinkedIn’s interface has it correct; why can’t other networking channels call it the same?
By saying you’re connected to me, Stephen, you know and I know what that connection is. Why call it anything other? Why is it necessary to call our connection anything other than what it is? That’s where the confusion lies.
I think you are very cynical on the matter Ari… I believe you have a different definition of friend to what I have.
Your idea of a friend, sounds to me like the characteristics of best friends i.e. knows you inside out, always there for you, talk on a very regular basis etc.
Why not call that person you see once a fortnight at the gym and occasionally comes round for dinner a friend? They can’t tell you what “the color of my mother’s hair” is, but they have a good laugh with you, and you get along ok.
Why does a friend have to know you inside out?
For “someone who reviewed the perfume we bought on Amazon.com” ok not a friend, they are a connection, but who adds someone like that on Facebook or follows someone like that on Twitter anyway? I wouldn’t.
Good article Ari, but just a little too skeptical/cynical for me.
Thanks as always Ari
Christopher Roberts – A faithful reader
What’s the difference between a friend and an acquaintance?
The frequency you see that person? The intensity you know that person? Why not nix both terms in the world of social media and call that person your connection?
If my extract from Paul Adams holds true, you’re only connecting with a fraction of the people you call your friends anyway — so why call those other people your friends?
Well if you didn’t really know them, would you connect at all with them, ever? Would you even add them as a friends?
According to Mr Oxford and Mr Cambridge…
Mr O – Friend “a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relation”
Mr C – Friend “a person who you know well and who you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family”
Mr O – Acquaintance “a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend”
Mr C – Acquaintance “a person that you have met but do not know well”
“What’s the difference between a friend and an acquaintance?” – Well Mr O and C think there is quite a big one!
I see what you mean, if Paul Adams is right, we have got many friends we don’t really connect with, that I guess you could call an acquaintance, but doesn’t that seem a bit impersonal?
P.S Blue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I open up my browser, and BAM blue background… YUCK was my first reaction, but I kind of like it now – its growing on me
It replaces the grey, but it doesn’t frame the top, I liked the ‘boxed in top’ feeling… the rest is good
It’s a work in progress. It’s black now.
Might be different later.
I noticed
Dictionaries are impersonal. They are closed systems.
Ooow! We could have such a debate here Ari. I love these sort of sociology things which bring into question our whole way of life and concept of society!
You disagree?
Sort of. They are impersonal but they try simply to define real world things. Is that definition of a friend not valid then?
About 14 months ago, I wrote about the word “unfriending” which the New Oxford American Dictionary called the 2009 Word of the Year.
If unfriending is, in your words, a definition of a real world thing, how is a friend defined in that context? Does a friend change because unfriend is now there?
Last year I had the opportunity to have lunch with Duke University’s Dr Brian Hare, evolutionary anthropologist. We were talking about social decision making, and the complex acrobatics that the human being undergoes unconsciously when making them. I mentioned Facebook “unfriending” and Dr Hare pounced on it. He said it was a wonderful example of the contortions we human beings go through, and said he would use it as an example for his first year students. We are all evolving here. It’s a brave new world.
I have never taken the word “friends” literally on Facebook. I think it just simply means ‘connections’ much like Linked In or Twitter’s designated “followers”.
Sound strategy.
But if you don’t take it literally, how many of your peers do?
Thing is Ari, if you called some people on FB a friend, and others were in the connections category, is that not rather rude, and what if they thought you were a good friend, but you thought they were a connection?
I don’t know!
Isn’t it worse to keep up some type of ruse, however inadvertent it might be? I’d be more opt for keeping it real and letting people know exactly where they stand with me.
Sorry to interject, just had a thought to drop.
My friends know they are my friends and vice versa.
It is the people who I don’t view as friends but Facebook does which this entire article is about.
Why add people you are not friends with Ari, I don’t understand…
Huh? Facebook *only* lets me add a friend. There is no other option.
I mean why add them at all?
Because I want to connect with them.
I often use the term, he/she is my friend on Facebook(/Myspace/Multiply etc.) when referring to people that are not really my friends but have connection in a social networking site. I believe the main reason why social networking sites use the term “FRIENDS” is because it’s main purpose is to make friendly connections or to be connected to ones’ long lost friends. Now that social networking works not only for friends, and friends in Facebook aren’t really friends, the term is really misused. I agree with you, we must change this or else, the value of the word would soon depreciate.
Perhaps it boils down to the definition of “friend” that everyone agrees.
Care to stab at it?
Ari, I am of mixed feelings about your premise of why social media does not bring us closer. Indeed, I have reconnected with “friends” from 40 years ago via FB. Without that medium, I probably would not have knowledge of their families, thoughts and careers. Friendships have rekindled. To your point, yes I knew them in the past & they probably knew what my mother’s hair color was.
To genuinely believe that all people I friend or follow are actually known to me is the fallacy. We are broadcasting our thoughts, sharing data, and posting perceptions. Why? In hopes that something will trigger an interchange however fleeting? Or do we really want to establish true meaningful connections with every one of our friends and followers? For me, it’s the exchange that matters. I have learned a lot from people I don’t know.
If you walk into a cocktail hour at a lounge, you will meet people you don’t know.
Is that exchange any different from participating on a Facebook group or a Twitter chat or a Flickr forum? No. One and the same. If you gain a connection out of it, awesome. But do you gain a friend? I don’t know. What does it mean to be a friend?
Social media doesn’t bring us closer. The connections we form with people, the relationships we build, bring us closer.
Nicely Explained..I learned a lot..thank uuuu for sharinggggg..:-)
I completely agree with this blog post. Most of my friends on our facebook who we don’t know they are just digital friends.
I agree with your premise Ari, but to what extent are we splitting hairs here? I think the greater number of people on Facebook refer to mere acquaintances on Facebook as friends simply because that is what Facebook uses for the act of associating two profiles together.
Perhaps LinkedIn’s use of the term ‘connection’ is more appropriate, but let’s look at how both started also. Both Facebook and LinkedIn started with two entirely different objectives for users of each service. LinkedIn tends to lend itself to professional connections, while Facebook is for grandma, the 10 year old and his school buddies, et al. Two completely different audiences.
I haven’t “friended” you on Facebook because I don’t actually know you in real life. I have very few on Facebook that I do not actually know or have known at one point in my life. But that’s just how I use it. However, after reading what you write after some time, and some of the back and forth we’ve had over the years constitute us, at some level, as friends?
Thought provoking article as always, Ari.
Why do you constitute a connection as more impersonal than a friend, Wayne?
To me, and this is of course just personal opinion, a connection is someone that I have worked with or know through more professional means. For instance, when I go in to work, everyone I interact with there is a connection, I don’t make friends at work. I’m here to work, make money, do good for my employer and that’s it. I’m not here to make friends with people.
That doesn’t imply I’m not friendly, lol. The relationship stays on a professional level and doesn’t venture outside of work one bit, by choice. It’s best for the company I happen to be working for, the employees, and the security of my job.
Friends are the neighbors, people I’d play xbox with, go riding with, and pretty much anyone I’d want to hang out and spend my free time with.
Are the people you call friends also the people who call you their friend? Meaning, if you WANT to hang out with someone but that someone has yet to hang with you, is he or she still your friend? Is a personal face to face history required for friendship?
More to the point, what of the people you are Facebook friends with but haven’t seen or talked to in over a year. Are they your friends?
The friends I consider my really close friends I don’t really see all too often in the first place. We might talk once or twice through the year, that’s about it. But, I’ve a long history with them, so at this point, whenever we do manage to get together things are just like we were never apart. Those are my “lifelong friends”.
Then there are “friends”. I don’t think a face to face is required to create a friendship, just some mutual ground that you both enjoy along with a likeness to be around each other in some way.
You have some really good commentators here Ari, I’ve been keeping up with all the comments, and I must say this post is perhaps one of my favorite. It’s interesting to see how everyone views this subject.
Ari, I love this piece. Perhaps it’s because I do use the word “friend” very sparingly.
I know lots of people. And I’m “friendly” with a great deal of folks. But friendly is different than friends. I’m very aware of the difference and always strive to use the correct word.
A friend is someone I can ask to help me move. Someone I’m friendly with will say “Hope you find someone to help!”
Social media does quicken the close feelings we have with people. And, that’s what’s great about it. I love that I can tweet with someone for a few weeks and then, when I meet them, I feel like I’ve known them forever. That’s pretty neat.
But, as you know from reading my “I Hate the Word Followers” piece, I’m all for using the word connections. It’s much more accurate and powerful in its own way. As for social media friends, fans, and followers? I think I’ll pass.
So glad we “connected” Ari!
Off the web, when you call up the people who you like to go out with, are they your friends to you? Or are they likewise your drinking or shopping or chitchat connections?
Yes, I agree, there are degrees of friendship. Most of the people on my facebook account are people I have worked with, went to school with or I am related to them. My family is spread out and I find this helps me to keep in touch with everyone and have something to say to them when I see them. It doesn’t make me closer to my family but does give us a connection.
There are degrees of temperature, degrees of separation, but degrees of friendship? Why dilute friendship to degrees? Either someone is a friend, or someone isn’t a friend.
A connection on the other hand…
I think even real friendship in the real world is rarely real friendship. I mean friendship these days is hard to find.
Don’t get me wrong there are a lot of good friends out there but I think we will never finish knowing a person at the end and specially friends.
You can have a lot of acquaintances and real friends I can bet, they will barely fill your hand.
That’s how life is and it will continue being that way…
I completely agree with this blog post, but most people know which connections on facebook are real friends and which not.
Well, not everyone on my friends in Facebook are really close to me. I just know them on a hi, hello basis. And, only a few people out of my hundreds of friends there are really close to me on. It may be true for some that social media doesn’t bring us closer, but it does on other given situations.
When one of my closest aunts when to Ireland to work, despite being far away from her physically, I felt somewhat connected and closer to her through the use of social media. With all the status and pictures that she posts on Facebook, I feel that I can somewhat be updated on what’s happening to her life there.
Hi Ari, you drew me in with your title. I agree that the word “friend” on FB is often misused, especially for those of us who open the door to more FB connections than some others do.
However, back to your title, I can tell you that I have connected with more people personally via social media than I probably would in a lifetime otherwise. But I take those relationships further via Skype calls, lunches with more local people, and actual visits last year to people at conferences. I’m very not mobile most of the time so I would not be talking to most of these people otherwise.
I have business relationships with multiple people I met through social media and many of them I would also call friends. I have grown connections that I had in person into much closer friendships.
You’re a deep thinker, analyzing words carefully, I know I don’t always do that but I think that we can grow friendships through connecting…
Your last line is the kicker, Julie. If you encounter someone on Twitter, having never seen that person’s name before, and you tweet back and forth which leads to a Skype call or meeting in-person, would you call the connection between you two a friendship?
Or, a relationship or networking link?
What’s the difference between friendships, relationships, and connections to you? I’m half-asking myself the same question. Are we using the correct terminologies when referring to people who do not cause our hearts to flutter with passion?
Love that “hearts flutter with passion.” Almost always when it gets to the Skype call range, I would call the person I met through social media a friend because we would have bonded enough that we wanted the call. But I get what you are saying. It is only going to get more complex. When I am working with a client, we work on a very personal level, some clients become friends (people I go to lunch with, spend time with outside of my office, etc.), others stay clients.
Indeed. It is getting complex. Thanks for sharing your analysis and insights here. Welcome to the brave new world.
On a more amusing note …
I know this might sound like a silly example, but even Cookie Monster gets it. Near the end of his fictitious SNL audition tape, he asks for help making the video go viral.
“Share this with all your friends … oops, I mean ‘friends’…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-PkQRh3QXA&t=3m23s
Disclaimer: I work for Fifth Third Bank, and this is my personal opinion.
Heh. I see your Cookie Monster and raise you Graham Murkett who explains what Facebook is really for: http://ariwriter.com/why-graham-murkett-is-the-uhh-man/
Ari:
I see your point and to a large degree I agree. What social media has done is given us the ability to make our own news by giving us the capability to have instantaneous one-to-many communication. We tend to put stuff out there but seldom do we actually listen so real conversation is not happening. We can only get closer if we converse and that is one-to-one communication which social media does not promote.
There are 2-3, max 5 friend possible in one’s life. There are people in my list whom I even didn’t see in my life. They are just on-line chatters. Nothing more.
And I also think that SNs don’t make people closer, they make the way to stay in touch easier. Do you really think that you can call a person to be your friend if you dn’t call on him/her and don’t have real conversation? I don’t…
Ari – I think you might be putting too much pressure on a “friendship” and setting the standards too high. The biggest aspect of a friendship is that feeling you have toward that person, that’s the only thing that elevates them. I also believe many people today are NOT using social media as the connector it COULD be but are more focused on the superficial pleasures of believing they have a wide circle of friends, regardless of how shallowly connected they really are.
Friendship was once defined much more simply than it is today. Merriam’s dictionary defines it as “one that is not hostile”. How did we go from not hostile (are you friend or foe?) to having to know your mother’s hair color? Many of my best friends do not know my mother’s hair color – not because they’re not good friends, but because I haven’t had contact with either of my parents in over 10 years and no one I know currently has ever met (nor ever will meet) my parents.
In the modern world, knowing someone intimately is something better judged on a case by case basis. There are some things I will tell one person that I wouldn’t tell another. In other words, there are different levels of friendship.
The second definition by Merriam’s is “one attached to another by affection or esteem”. In other words, friendship is defined by how YOU feel about a person. Not how they feel about you – but how you regard them. Which means it’s a choice you make. Either that person has enough value to you that you connect with them regularly or they don’t.
A third definition is “a favored companion” which is again a subjective, emotional view based entirely within one individual.
For my own social networks, I spent a lot of time going through statuses regularly. I just like to browse through and see what everyone’s doing. I like posts as often as I can just so people know I was there. It’s kinda the same way as having a conversation, it’s an internet version of “Yes, I hear what you’re saying and agree”. Let’s face it, even in a real conversation, not everything requires an in-depth response and a simple, “Uh huh” is enough. When I feel motivated to respond in more detail, I do. I also try to share content and information that I believe will cause others to comments. Sharing a joke, a fun(ny) experience, etc. So that way it’s not all about me but is about them too. “Hey check out this cool video/saying/news thing – isn’t that cool?”
If you approach social media in the manner you’ve described, as a “database” than certainly you will NOT connect further. But instead, if you focus on them being a human and giving a human response, you will be more connected. I have friends scattered all over the US – over a dozen different states – and without Facebook, email, and the phone, I would have no more contact with those people. Instead, I know all about one Florida friend’s growing baby and relationship as well as his writing, another friend in Indiana’s struggles in college, and on and on. Am I the norm? Probably not – most people don’t want to exert the amount of effort that I do to keep up with others but these people are important and valuable to me so I exert the effort. Consistently. And my life is far richer for it.
So if you or anyone reading this is feeling less connected rather than more, take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what you’re not doing to be a better friend to those in your network.
Thanks, once again, Ari, for sparking thought provoking conversation. I always enjoy reading and responding to your ideas.
I hope I haven’t offended with sharing my opinion – everyone’s got one after all. 
The fallacy with your three dictionary definitions (and I replied to Christopher earlier that dictionaries are closed systems) is none of them support the Facebook friendship model — which is my point.
Whether your friend is someone not hostile, someone attached by affection or esteem, or someone who is a favored companion, all three attributes are according to you. But Facebook requires mutuality for friendships to occur.
I’m curious how you respond.
LinkedIn has it right, and LinkedIn supports your argument which I wrote above.
I remember when anything to do with a computer classified you as a nerd. Now we have all the young men and women alike becoming addicted to exactly what made someone a geek just 10 years ago!
You did a good job generating comments on this issue.
I think Facebook can help severely isolated people feel connected to the larger world, but I don’t find it very useful or entertaining. I have rediscovered some people I went to high school with, but I have no interest in having a deeper relationship with any of them. So what’s the point, really?
I read Facebook like I do blogs: for information and fodder for my own thoughts. I don’t really care whose daughter was out too late.
Nice post.
Gip
I can’t generate comments. I can only ask a question.
Hi Ari. Really good post. I like Paul Adams thinking. I referenced his work in a similar blog last year – http://bit.ly/egOVTl. I was interested to read that he’s departing Google for Facebook: “After ~4 years in the awesome Google UX team it’s time for a change + I’m excited to be joining Facebook in the New Year.”
FB feel they need his help (which I think they do!) – great hire!
Happy New Year. Phil
Thanks for the update on his work situation. I’d read some of his writing and he seems like a smart man.
Idle speculation can only go so far.
Data would help here.
It would be handy to have an app wherein a person can go through each friendship/connection and answer questions whether social media (be it FB ot LinkedIn) has helped strengthen the connection or not.
Perhaps someone has started doing that research; I don’t know.
Totally agree! Social Media doesn’t bring us closer!
One of my keynotes is “Face-to-Face or Facebook?” where we go through the limitations of online networking and how to overcome them with face-to-face techniques. It is amazing to see how participants react when they discover and practice face-to-face techniques. Most of them even agree about the importance of receiving a letter with a nice stamp! (Do you remember… stamps?
Jordi
I wouldn’t dream of hitting up my “connections” to do anything for me of substance, yet you’re ascribing them tremendous value as a resource. That’s the odd part of this post — you labor to remind us how little we actually mean to one another (not you and I, but those of us on social platforms), and then you encourage us to take greater advantage of these shallow bonds. Wha? Not sure preaching the meaninglessness of all your “connections” will get people excited about collaborating with you or supporting your endeavors.
Without a doubt, you won’t have a significant connection with most of the people you cross paths with online… but some you will. It’s up to you whether or not to hand over genuine emotion at that point.
I, for one, expect, hope for, and receive more than just a “network”.
And my mother can’t even tell you what color her hair really is.
Facebook has allowed me to shine! People who didn’t know me at all, now approach me at social gatherings and warmly greet me. It has accelerated the process of turning acquaintances into friends. When I add someone as a “friend”, the ONLY option Facebook allows, I now monitor the relationship. If the person turns out to be a non-user, a Debbie Downer, or a voyeur only, I “un-friend” them. The people who remain on my Facebook list of “friends” are considered real friends to whom I feel attached. This means I turn to them in times of distress, I look to them for affection, I miss them when they are gone, and I seek to maintain a connection with them. Human beings are complex creatures and our social interactions are paramount. I have created a rich and rewarding network of friends via Facebook but I realize it’s not for everyone.
Interesting post and conversation! I think “friend” is just a manner of speaking when it comes to social media. There’s an implicit understanding that we have various degrees of connections in online social communities, and “friend” has become a convenient catch-all term to describe them. It’s sad to see the meaning of “friend” devolve, but it’s nothing new. Language is continually changing and here’s a chance for us to see a major shift taking place right before our eyes. That said, social media does give us an opportunity to expand our friendships in the true sense of the word. I’ve been blogging heavily since 2006 and thanks to that have formed relationships with people all over the world I never would have met otherwise. Some of these relationships go way beyond business and way beyond the superficial. I think of these relationships as what pen pals must have had, before our time.
I am very picky as to who I add as a “friend” to my Facebook account. I make it a point that the people I have there are the ones that I contact both online and offline often. Can I call all of them as really my friends? Probably. Because I would like to know everyone in the list on a more personal basis. But, can they also be just connections? Then, yes, because some of them are people that I work with. However, I would not mind having them as friends if circumstances allow. So, you are right on both counts, Ari.
Thought-provoking as always, Ari. I had fun reading this and all the comments that followed. Keep them coming
- Wes -
I can’t keep comments coming, Wes. That’s up to you and your friends.
My bad.
I meant your insightful articles, Ari. 
Nice point! We can say that those social media are great in connecting people anywhere in this world. But for me, we can’t assure our safety and privacy in using these social media. It is our way to connect with our true friends but sometimes it is also a way that our privacy will going to be invaded and our safety is going to be bad. Cool post.
Nothing to add to the discussion above. I have always thought why people think that having 100 virtual friends means that you are happy. I think we should be careful in naming people from networks ‘friends’. More often, they are people who envy us especially if you have a bigger house or a more expensive car.
I can name only few people around me who are FRIENDS. These are people who can be with me when I need – in happiness and sorrow. People from my social media networks are just acquaintances.